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Friday, March 9, 2012

The Guide For Going To Hell For Christians!

I am not a biblical scholar and do not profess to be one.  Nevertheless, I am always confounded by many Christians who are more than happy to tell me I am going to hell because “I don’t believe.”  So many are ready to judge others and condemn them to hell, without really looking at their own behavior.

What happened to judge not least you be judged (For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Matthew 4.24)?

Yes I know, many “Christians” have an answer for that too:

Cor. 6:2-3 Do you not know that the saints [the saved; Christians] will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life!

Prov. 3:21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight;

John 7:24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgement

Jer. 22:3 Thus saith the LORD; Execute ye judgment and righteousness...
Phil. 1:10 so that you may be able to discern [judge] what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ...

Phil. 1:7 It is right for me to feel this way about all of you [judge you]...

Darn, I have barely gotten started and I don't know whether judging is right or wrong?  Isn’t it all so confusing?  I mean, here the Bible says one thing, here it says another?  What does it mean?  I guess to be safe, just don't violate any rules.

And, then you have to ask yourself which version of the Bible do you mean?  Old Testament; New Testament?

Even more confusing did you know about The First Council of Nicaea?

The First Council of Nicaea was a council of Christian bishops convened in Nicaea in Bithynia (present-day İznik in Turkey) by the Roman Emperor Constantine I in AD 325. This first ecumenical council was the first effort to attain consensus in the church through an assembly representing all of Christendom.

The council affirmed and defined what it believed to be the teachings of the Apostles regarding who Christ is: that Christ is the one true God in deity with the Father.  The council also promulgated twenty new church laws, called canons, (though the exact number is subject to debate), that is, unchanging rules of discipline (it included a prohibition of kneeling on Sundays and during the Pentecost (the fifty days after Easter).

I was reared Catholic and we kneeled.  Are all Catholics going to hell?

Some argue that Christianity consisted of many sects and that Constantine (The Great) by converting the Paul heresy triumphed as the concept of trinity and the ending of the Mosaic law (which made swine flesh permissible) brought this version of Christianity very close to the Hellenic paganism that was practiced in Rome and Greece. At Nicea Constantine had 300 versions of the Bible burnt, thus legitimising and patronizing only the Paulic heresy.

So which is it? Do we read just the New Testament and/or the Old Testament?(Matt 5:18: For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law (the TORAH, including Leviticus) until all is accomplished).

For you “Conservative/Born Again Christians,”I would point out that when claiming that the Bible forbids homosexuality, most people point to Leviticus 18:22 which reads, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination."  OLD TESTAMENT.  Darn, I guess all those Christians that say the Old Testament doesn't apply to them, must have no objection to Same Sex Marriage!

Three centuries after Jesus lived, this council was given the task of separating divinely inspired writings from those of questionable origin. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to do it when you had Jesus there, in front of you?  That way you could ask for clarification of the rules.  Did Constantine just pick and choose what went into the Bible?

Since we can't ask Jesus, what should we do?  To be safe, let's just try and avoid violating as many rules as possible.  Luckily for you, our guide includes things that are forbidden in all three Abrahamic religions, Judaism, Islam and Christianity.

But others have argued that the passage is merely one of many archaic religious laws that are no longer relevant to today's modern times and do not need to be upheld.

So, let’s look at our guide to going to hell.

Let's start out easily on what we can do!!
A hot topic today among the GOP is whether President Obama is trying to establish a class/racial war.  Don’t you worry about that. 

Leviticus 25:44 states that; I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.
I think that explains a lot of why the GOP wants to “control the border;” so that they may properly process their slaves.  A friend of mine claims that applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Why can't I own Canadians?
Newt Gingrich has been talking a lot lately about being able to put children to work; you know, get rid of those pesky child labor laws.  Don’t worry, that will not send you to hell.

Exodus 21 provides that: I may sell my daughter into slavery.
My cousin asked me what might be a fair price for his daughter.  What do you think?
Now let's move on to those "abominations" that will damn you to HELL!
Tattoos are also all the rage these days.  Thinking of getting a sweet little rose tattoo where “no one can see it?”

Leviticus 19:28 states: Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.
Off to have your hair done

Leviticus 19:27 states: Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.
My girlfriend really gets this one!  She wants to kill her hair-dresser when he messes up.  Now she can!  Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden in Lev.19:27.  How should they die?
INow for us guys.  What is the worst thing most guys can imagine?  Yes it involves their "man-hood."  It's bad enough if you're a man who has had his private parts injured -- or heaven forbid cut off -- but to add insult to injury.

Deuteronomy 23:1 states: He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
How do circumcised men enter into the "congregation of the Lord" when Deuteronomy 23:1 forbids it?
Have you ever had your palm read? Or maybe you've consulted your horoscope for a little guidance?

Leviticus 19:31 reads:  Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.
My friend believes in numerology.  Is that exempt? 

Writing the horoscope should be easy: "Read this and you will burn in hell!"  My newspaper has the horoscope in it, must I burn the newspaper as heresy?
Heard some juicy news about Harold in the accounting department? Can't wait to tell your BFF that you just read that Snooki is pregnant?

Leviticus 19:16 states: Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD.
Gentlemen -- if you ever get in a fight and you get the feeling your lady might jump in and lend you a hand by squeezing your opponent's... ahem... "secrets," you'd better stop her.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12 states: When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.
Almost Easter.  We use to have delicious hams at Easter.

Leviticus 11:7-8 reads:   And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.  Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.
May I still play football if I wear gloves?
Kids these days -- you never know what's going to come out of their mouths!  But hopefully your child doesn't curse you.

Exodus 21:17 states:  "And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death."
When it comes to the Bible, this is a big no-no.

Mark 10:11-12 states:  Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.
Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich must surely be going to hell; seven wives between them.  And they complain about Mormons having multiple wives.  Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with in-laws? (Lev. 20:14).
My friend is always complaining that her boss makes her work late every night and sometimes on weekends.

Exodus 31:14-15 states:  "Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.
Next time her boss tells her to work over-time, I suggested she cut off his manhood (instead of putting him to death).   That way he will burn in hell and be without his manhood.
Headed to church, ladies?

Corinthians 14:34-35 states:  Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.  And if they will learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.
Does this apply to nuns or are they exempt too?  I had a mean nun as a teacher.  I am sure she is burning.
Craving a big bowl of popcorn shrimp or lobster salad?

Leviticus 10-11 states:  And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:  They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.
Does that mean that all of the congregation of the church in my neighborhood that is advertising a "cat-fish" fry are going to hell?
And let’s not forget Rick Santorum, who must just love Deuteronomy.

Deuteronomy 22:20-21 states:  But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:  Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.
Is there a limit on the size or number of the stones?  What if she doesn’t live with her parents, is it okay to pull her from her apartment?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have any defect in my sight.
My friend wears contacts, does that count?
My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).
My girlfriend also gets this one.  Nothing bothers her more than when people dress poorly, she calls them "fashion sitations."  Who know those sitations meant that those people would burn in hell too!
My neighbor tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.  Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 25:10-16).
Why do I feel like I just read Santorum's campaign platform?
Are we all doomed?  Well, luckily if you are Catholic there is a way out!!!!!
No matter how horrible you are, you can do anything anytime you want; IF, you just pray after and ask for forgiveness.  Then amazingly you are forgiven.  So the “Golden Rule” is just don’t die unexpectedly, that way you can do whatever the “HELL” you want and just ask to be forgiven latter.
Sounds like the perfect "get out of jail free" card.  That is a rule I could live with.


  1. I love it. Damien

  2. So scary many people still take the bible as a literal word from " god."

  3. These Christians pick and chose what does and doesn't work for them. That makes them huge hypocrites. Also it makes them very stupid for believing such shit as literal. Nancy

  4. "No matter how horrible you are, you can do anything anytime you want; IF, you just pray after and ask for forgiveness"

    I don't think anyone can judge who/who-will-not be granted salvation by Gods grace.